Monday, July 12, 2010

Who are you God?

Sometimes I sit and ponder about the things that I've been through. I don't understand why all of those things had to happen to me. I don't understand why they really happen to anyone. It's hard to believe that everything is going to be okay when you have a size 14 boot kicking you in your chest.

Somehow I made it. But I'm not the only one. I don't see hopelessness. I don't see the end. I see God calling me to befriend the broken.

Imagine knowing nothing but fear your entire life. Not knowing if you'll survive through the night. It's beyond thinking you might lose your job. It's deeper than thinking that your best friend may have betrayed you.

When I think back to where I was, I see God. All of my life I had prayed. While my parents were screaming all night, keeping me awake, I thought of God. I imagined Him far away, watching, powerless. I sensed that, much like my mother, He wanted to help, but didn't know how. And similar to my father, He was ill. See, your parents make your image of God. Their actions (or lack-thereof) create an imagine in our minds of what God is like, especially our fathers. For some, dads are amazing, protecting, serving, loving. For some, like mine, fathers are scary, mean, perverted, manipulative, controlling, and filled with hatred.

God gave me the ability to think outside the box apparently because I SHOULD hate Him. By all psychological standards, I shouldn't have the ability to love, be loved or keep going. That's something you learn when you study humans.

When I see it all in perspective, I see God. Back to this, yes. I see Him because I shouldn't be alive. I see Him even more because every place He's ever sent me and people He's ever put in my life have had a long standing relationship with Him. He's done something for them, and He's been around in my life since I could remember.

Apart from all that, I have tried other things. I tried witchcraft, drugs, tarot cards, Ouija boards, meditation, astrology, palm reading, transcending your body... I went beyond experimentation but there was NO change around me, the only change was that I wanted to believe it was real. I wanted something to happen and I waited for it. It never came. I had scary experiences, yeah, but I realized that I am completely unable to control the future, my destiny, my fate, my whatever. There was no real reason to hold onto these things.

Then I tried believing in nothing. But after enough believing in nothing and feeding depression with thoughts of suicide for lack of stability and worth, I was done with that too. I never wanted to be depressed. I don't think anyone does, but after some time... that's all there is to see in life. People begin to think, "This is all I am or will ever be; depressed, friendless, hated, unwanted, unnecessary and burdensome." I believed all of these things but I wanted more, I wanted life, vitality, freedom! I wanted hope and love! Why on earth would I be the only person in this world that doesn't get the chance to be happy? Other people have made it, why can't I?

This began my search for freedom. I was given the drive to find all the traits of God in life. God is love. God is free. God is joy. God is protection. God is security. God is peace. God is.

As I seek Him (and I am actively pursuing Him as He pursues me) I realize, there is no love, no freedom, no joy, no protection, no security, no peace, no real life in this world. Of course you can find bits and pieces here and there. The people that quit their jobs and spend all their time and money on a third world country. People that adopt that unwanted child regardless of their money struggles. These people demonstrate love. The person that decides to advocate peace, however, will end up giving up protecting the ones he/she loves in the name of peace. The person that advocates protection for loved ones goes beyond boundaries and sacrifices another person's freedom.

You think you don't harm others, but their lives are as involved in yours as the contents of soup are connected. Some ingredients actually bond and form something else, other ingredients just sit in the same bowl, either way, they go to the same place.

My conclusion is that truth, freedom, love, peace, justice... they are known by God whom created everything. He knows what has happened with this world's twisted sense of life and He has given the only possible answer, one outside of ourselves. His answer is even beyond our thinking. We can't imagine how Christ brings our life closer to God.
But I don't want to.
I would never want to be love and watch my loved ones suffer.
I would never want to be truth and watch my people lie and deceive.
I would never want to be justice and watch evil go free.
I would never want to be peace and watch chaos rule my creation.

I suffer from being a product of the fall. I live in a hostile and lonely world. But God is my guide. He has brought people into my life to create security, love, life, happiness, freedom, and peace. He tells me to keep standing because He's holding my feet firm. He carries me when I stumble through fear and insecurity. He is and will always be. He won't leave me. He won't give up on me. He has forgiven my wrongs and teaches me right. My hope lies in Him and in Him alone. I have nowhere else to go and no reason to run from Him. I fear the unknown but He says it's okay. He gave me everything I could ever need and helps me to use them along the way. Jesus Christ made LIFE possible and I can't express in words how thankful I truly am for having a loving and personal God who wants nothing but the best for me.

Sweet success.

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